And on the seventh day, while God rested, the devil created Lagos traffic.
Chai! Lagos traffic na die!! Lemme juss hear anyone complain about Nyanya traffic again. Nyanya traffic dey learn for for where Lagos traffic dey. I once heard of wedding guests who were heading to the reception hall of a wedding party. They got caught up in traffic for hours and next thing you know, they began to share their jellof rice and drinks right there in their vehicles. Add music to the mix and wedding reception don be be that nau.
You see ehn, there are different categories to traffic. Any correct Lagosian can tell you the various categories.
1. Standstill:Everywhere on the road is totally blocked. No space for movement. You can be on the same spot for 30 mins without moving an inch. Most drivers turn off the ignition of their cars and begins to eat his/her dinner right there in the car. This is very common on Friday evenings. Especially when it rains.
2. Hold up:This is the junior brother to standstill. Its not a complete stand still. You move an inch and then stop for 15 minutes before the next movement.
3. Bumper-to-Bumper:Just as the name implies, the cars are following each other bumper-to- bumper. More like you move I move. Lots of small accidents happen here sha, as every one is in a hurry to go to whichever lane seems to be moving fast.
4.Go Slow: This is slightly better than bumper to bumper. The cars are moving, but very slowly. There’s no stopping for minutes or hours on end though. This is what we call “Jeje lo omo eko lo”.
5. Traffic Jam:The real traffic. This is caused by the traffic light or the “yellow fever” who is coordinating the movement of cars. This usually occurs at T-Junctions.
The annoying thing about Lagos traffic is that you can be held up at a point for hours, only to get to the front and find that there is no visible cause to the traffic that held you up. Arrrrrgggh!!
One thing though.
If you aren’t particularly in a hurry to meet up with an appointment when you get caught up in holdup/traffic, you’ll be entertained.
Hungry? Just buy Gala and La Casera.
Bored? Just look out your window. You will definitely see a car that has been slightly hit and two or more adults speaking plenty English. You can even learn a new word or two.
Wanna shop? Don’t worry.
Everything you want will be brought to your window step. Belts, motivational books, Apples, Berries, Grapes, Water, Chips, Chargers, Cd’s, Chewing gum etc.
Trust me, you’ll be entertained.Especially if you are in a bus. Gbam. Ariya unlimited.
You see ehn, if you need a lesson in current affairs spiced with a lot of humour, just enter a danfo bus.
From Onku’s dressed in oversized suits or faded shirts with loosely hung ties arguing about Buhari and his policies as if they sleep and wake in the same room as Buhari, to semi illiterate “brodas” with thick Igbotic accents praising Nnamdi Kanu and fantasizing about their beloved Biafra(beware of these ones o. Don’t go and misyawn about their Biafra. Else, slap may fall on you), to fat middle aged aunties who authoritatively state that even “if the money dey full throway for my hand”, they cannor buy weavon of 150k.
You can even acquire a chyker or two inside the danfo.
This Onku beside me doesn’t know I’m not here to play though. Onku be trying to draw me into a conversation. Trust me to give him monosyllabic replies. Me that I’m busy blogging with my phone. Besides, where was he when I was paying my bus fare? Maybe if he paid the #150 bus fare for me, I’ll have given him face small. As it is now, mi o woju Uche(I no dey look Uche face). Onku, face your front o. Stingy koko Onku. E pain me sha. Lol
P.S I left Iyana-Ipaja around 6:25pm. The time is 9:18pm and I’ve still not gotten to my house in Gbagada.
If your name is Cassandra and you are fair, attractive, a 400 level Sociology student in UNILAG and you live in Yaba, just know that your friends have insulted your whole destiny in this bus.
They call you “Cassiefree”. They say you insult and call them ronz gehs but you like doing oshofree with fine “quit” boys who have nothing to offer you.
They say you like to do borrow borrow make me fine. Is it true that when you were going out yesterday, the only thing you were wearing that belongs to you is the trousers? Adonblivit! They say you borrowed Timi’s (or is it Simi) top, Jennifer’s bag and Khadija’s sandals. I know they are just hating on you ni. It can’t be true. Laye!
Anyway, I just want to tell you that with the way this traffic is doing you move I move, our bus will be at Charly Boy junction in the next 10 mins. Our conductor is wearing a Yellow fake Gucci top that says “Common sense isn’t common” with a black cap.
Come and catch them in action. Hurry!
Don’t thank me o. I just hate hearing one side of a gist ni.