I was fourteen and preparing for my Junior WAEC exams when I felt the first stirrings of attraction for the opposite sex.
Charly, an otherwise cool and gentle ‘omo mummy’ had gotten into an argument with O. At first, I paid them no attention. Not my circus, not my monkey. In those days, Charly and I hadn’t begun our friendship yet. So I just ignored them and kept on reading my novel. And then, I saw O’s lips. Chisos! Were they sexy!!

That was the first time, I actually looked at O. Before then, he was just one of those cool kids in school to me. And in those days, really cool people like O, went for really cool people like Nancy, or people like Tanke who had breasts,ass and curves in all the right places.

I was something of a late bloomer.Where all my mates were already spotting big breasts and nyansh, I had nothing. For where? My flat ass would not let me be great. I was just this fair, freckled,slim, nerdy kid who was always reading a novel or looking for someone to exchange novels with. Add eczema to the list and I’m sure you can figure out how bad it must have looked.

Of course, it didn’t help that I was an “Omo mummy get inside” in those days. I didn’t attend all the cool parties because Grandma wouldn’t let me, and on the few occasions I had her permission to go out, I didn’t have anything cool to wear, so I just stayed indoors. I really wasn’t an interesting kid in those days. So I just drank water, minded business, and left the cool people to be chilling with themselves.  I had my novels and my fantasies (I used to daydream a lot back then). What more could a geh possibly want, right?

But on this day, I experienced firsthand, that tinkly feeling I always read about in my ‘Mills and boon’ novels. Mehn, I was hooked. Walahi!

For those of you who have tried their hands at fishing before, you know how difficult it is for a fish to get away after it has taken the bait on your hook and you’ve pulled it into your net. practically impossible for it to get away, yea? Exactly where O had me. He had caught me. Hook, line and sinker.

O was a really cool guy.  We both attended Western College Secondary School.  He was a commercial student, while I was an Art student. Wesco class of 07/08 student who didn’t know O and his crowd, was that wan a Wesco student? O was popular. Asides from that, he was a dark, handsome “qute” bobo with “pink lips on fleek”. Chai! “Foine” boys will be the death of me. He also had the most kissable lips I’d ever seen. And yes, when I did get to kiss him, his lips tasted like heaven. He was a great kisser. I was the hooked fish that never wanted to get out of the net. Except in this case, O made no conscious effort to catch me. In fact, he was practically oblivious of my existence. O had caught me in his net yea, but through no conscious effort of his. Let’s just say I entered his net willingly and I refused to get out. Mo di mario si lo run! Lol

My dear, you don’t want to hear the tales of all the stunts I pulled (Charly still teases me to no end about that) just to get O to finally notice me. It took him two years to do that. One would think I ought to have outgrown the attraction by then, right?

And behold, the lawd heard the prayer of his handmaiden. Myself and O became fast friends and settled into a sort of “Situationship”. I say “Situationship” because in retrospect, it was  a one-sided crush. I was just a convenient girlfriend. You know how you begin to get attached and used to someone you spend almost all your time with? That was how it played out. With him, I never really knew where I stood. Sometimes he was nice to me and acted like I was the best thing since fried rice. Other times, he was arrogant and downright rude to me. I know what you are thinking, that the dude was rich bah? Taar! Iffa hia! He was an “ata apata dide” (Ata apata dide- someone from a humble background) just like me.

Brethren, that was the beginning of the story of my love life.

By the way, my name is Solape but please call me Y-kayy like my friends and “frenemies” do.

Oh! And by the way, I am no longer that slim freckled bare breasted,assless, eczema embattled young girl. I now have a Bsc in Mass communication and an Msc in Broadcasting in sight. I have become more aware of myself, my strengths, my weaknesses and my hidden talents. I know for a fact that I wasn’t created to be a mediocre. I now have curves in all the right places. As a matter of fact, I wear a 42B bra cup,and my ass (in Shakira’s voice) don’t lie. **winks** Too much juice, too much sauce.

Although, some oversabi people think its their place to dictate what size I should be, cloaking their yeye unsolicited opinions in compliments. They say stuff like “Wow! Ykayy you are looking fresh o, what are you eating?” Or the more annoying one “You are getting fat o. Wetin you dey chop?” Awon weyrey. Fortunately for me, low self-esteem has never been one of my problems.

Unfortunately, whilst almost every other sphere of my life moved forward a bit smoothly, my love life has been one hell of a roller coaster ride.

And by the way, when I say that my love life has been one hell of a roller coaster ride, I don’t mean my relationship with O. That frizzled out 9 years ago. I meant that I almost always meet the wrong men. In fact ehn, its like my village people are working overtime on top my matter. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I seem to always attract the worst set of men. The good thing is, I always know when to borrow myself small sense and walk away. No time.

I’ve never been a subscriber to the school of thought that there is no right man and that we just have to manage what is available. Manage keh? Jesus did not die on the cross for me to be doing patch patch relationship. I am selective. Yea right! I don’t even attempt to hide it.

I remember one time I went out on a date with one guy like that. Dude was really cool, had all the right table manners, argued intelligently, said all the right things, made me laugh and knew just when to keep quiet and listen. We clicked. I felt like I had known him all my life.

We had a good time and dude convinced me to spend the night at his place in town instead of going back to Kubwa, since it was already late.

“But, on one condition,” I began

“I know what you are about to say,” Dude interrupted. “I promise, I won’t touch you. You can even have the bed to yourself”.

So off we went. Dude practically acted like I wasn’t in the room with him. Just gave me a duvet and blanked me. “What a gentleman!” I thought.

Only for me to feel him pressing his throbbing cock to my backside in the midnight.

“I’m so horny right now, my tommy aches. Can I just come inside you for a minute? I promise I won’t move.” Dude pleaded

It was so funny I didn’t know when I started laughing.

Eh! Come inside me for a minute? Awon boys ti step up sha. No more “just the tip”, ees now I promise I won’t move.

I be like dindinrin for your eye abi? At this my age, height, marital status, religion, shoe size and weight ko?

Another date, I went out with a guy I met in the club during my girlfriend’s bridal shower. Onku was cute, gentlemanly and very considerate. Ko le soro enu e tan(E cannor talk what he has in mind finish). Jaysus! I thought I had found the perfect husband material.

I ate some badass spaghetti Bolognese and stepped it down with a glass of ‘Sex on the beach’. Oh! Did I remember to tell you? I’m an unrepentant foodie. My love for food ehn, especially free good food, na die! The best way to my heart, is through food. I digress. Anyway, after our meal, Onku asked me how much.

How much keh?

“Well, I assume from the size of your bag, that you’ll be spending the night with me. I would have preferred a quickie though. But what are your rates, so I can weigh my options?” He asked.

Eh Gawd o. I was so surprised, I couldn’t even take offense. So because we met in a club and I came out to eat free food Onku has tagged me for a Vijaypreneur abi? Issorite.

I actually dated one Mr. Adimeru who thought it was cool for him to dictate how I spent my hard-earned money on myself. Mr. Adimeru actually thought that poverty was glamorous and was advocating sufferhead all in the name of managing resources.

“You mean you took a cab from secretariat to Kubwa for 1200? Why? When you could simply have entered an along for 200?” Mr. Adimeru exclaimed one day.

“But, I was rushing to come see you in the hospital na. You did say you haven’t eaten anything all morning” I explain

“Please, that is not an excuse. You like wasting money too much ….” He shouted.

“But….” I started to say.

“Stop interrupting me,” He snapped. “You are not submissive at all. I am supposed to be the head in this relationship”.

Head Kwa? Ki la gbe ke le ju? What does head have to do in this talk nau? God abeg o. Onku has not paid my bride price yet, but here he is dragging headache with me.

Sorry o,Onku. I’m too old for nonsense, please. I have a head, and it is screwed tightly on my neck mbok. Head khoor, Sufferhead ni.

Or was it the time I was in a serious “mumuship” with Mr  Faworaja for about 7 months or so. Mr. Faworaja actually took me to meet his old mother in the village. See washing and setting o. I cringe inwardly every time I remember how hot oil splashed on my body whilst frying chips and chicken, all in a bid to prove my wife materialness to Mr.Faworaja’s cousins.  Those his cousins cannor die where their clothes are, aswear. Knowing fully well that Mr. Faworaja was married and I was unaware of this fact, they will open their mouth and eat the food I lovingly prepared and be hailing me “Iyawo wa”. And me too, mumu of the century, my head will be swelling like Agege bread that they soak inside a bucket full of water.

I tried being friends with benefit with one dude like that. I thought it was a good idea to be gbenshing without any feelings or strings attached.  For where? E dinnor work. The gbenshing was good. Very good intact. But I fell hopelessly in love with my FWB and he wasn’t feeling me that way. I got my poor fragile heart shattered in so many pieces, it took the combined effort of Chilet’s special spaghetti (Yea, I like food like that) and Charly’s merciless teasing to set the broken pieces back together again.

I don’t even want to talk about Mr.Alawada who felt he had ownership rights over me, just because we went on one date.

Ladies and Gentlemen, Oro po ninu iwe kobo. Tori booku. I have met the Unbelievable, the Bad, and the downright ugly. But I have not yet seen the one.

With all these experiences, you’d think I’d give up on love and finding Mr. Right, but that isn’t the case, because I know the right man is out there searching for me and sooner or later, we are going to meet. I will not lower my standards either, because I know every super woman needs a superman.

 

I present to you, a new series on the blog, tagged “Diaries of a booless bae”. Every Sunday at noon, a fresh new episode will be uploaded where I’ll be sharing my experiences as a young lady in the dating scene.

Don’t miss it. You are in absolutely good hands. I promise.

 

Photo📷 culled from:Pininterest

 

Yours Truly,