TIRADE 008

Iyawo Olopaa gun oko re lobe pa niluu Akure. Oni ise esu ni -Omo Oodua. This was the front page headline of a magazine. Interpreted, it means “The wife of a Police Officer stabs her husband to death in Akure, She says it’s the work of the devil”.

Madam stabber could have said she stabbed him in self-defense. She could have claimed he was battering her and she only just stabbed him to prevent him from killing her(This excuse would have if not anything, gained her public sympathy. My apologies to victims of domestic violence. I do not intend to make light of your situation). She could have said she was under the influence of drugs or alcohol. She could even have blamed it on anger management issues. Of all believable excuses to make, she claimed it was the work of the devil.

I really wasn’t surprised when I read that story. As a Nigerian living in Nigeria, that line is one I’ve heard thousands of times.  Are we not a people who specialize in blaming  witches,village people instead of ourselves for predicaments we could easily have averted?

A woman who is having a difficult delivery is advised to do a Cesarean section by the doctor.”No” She screams. “The devil is a liar! CS is not my portion. I shall deliver like the Hebrew women.” She insists, until she dies in the process. Her death is of course blamed on her stepmother(who probably didn’t even know she was pregnant in the first place) in the village.” Evil woman. She killed her”. We say.

Ramoni leaves Nigeria to go hustle in Malaysia. After a while, he comes back “from the abroad”. He begins to club hop. From Quilox to Rumours in Lagos, to Jokers club in Benin, to Cubana or Moscow in Abuja. When they mention street carnivals, Ramoni is the first voluntary sponsor of the carnival. Dem go hear word” he says, hyping himself. Dem don hear word looto. Now Ramoni is broke and all his friends have deserted him. Of course, he blames his ex girlfriend. “That geh na aje” he says. “Na she curse me”.

Segun has infertility issues. First, his wife is blamed and pressurized to do a fertility test. Once she is declared to be indeed fertile by medical doctors, his family began to blame their old grandmother instead of asking Segun to go for a fertility test himself. “She must have tied his wife’s womb,” they say.

You see the cycle? It’s the reason why a young agile man would go the church on a Monday morning to pray for manna from heaven instead of going out to hustle like his mates do. After wasting valuable years away, he begins to blame his village people.

All dah wan is small sef.

Sometimes, I pity the devil. I dey tell you. Poor bastard. The way you people lie on the devil ehn, no be here.

So a young lady was caught by her fiance in a hotel a couple of days to her wedding with her ex. Before you ask me what her fiance was doing in the hotel himself, I’ll tell you. He went there to make reservations for some of his who were coming from outta town. He had the receipt from the reservation he just made to back up his claims.
Of course, Madam tried to go on the offensive, playing the what are you doing here yourself card. When she saw that wasn’t working, she burst into tears and began to blame the devil. “The devil didn’t her wedding to take place.”
Like seriously?

A police officer who was nominated for a national recognition award was caught lending out arms and ammunition to kidnappers(or were they armed robbers? Not really sure which) by his superiors. Whilst begging his superiors not to report or take up his case officially, he of course played the “It’s the work of the devil” card.

A house maid was caught in the act of sexually abusing a 7-year-old child who was left in her care. Apparently, every time she was left alone with the boy, she’d have him lick her clitoris  and stick his tiny p**** into her Vijayjay. The boy fell sick after she made him lick her clit while “Anty flow” was visiting.
Of course, “It was the work of the devil”.

I remember one time like that, when our neighbour’s son tried to move my mom’s phone.
In those days, we used to live in a “face me I slap you” apartment. My mom left her phone on the bed and went out to spread her clothes on the line. This young boy went to the window, cut the net with a blade and was using a long stick to drag the phone out of the window when he was caught by Nepa officials.
Guess what? “It was the work of the devil”. 

I remember one time when my Grandma was trying to settle a dispute between a man and his wife. The man had impregnated their maid and was begging his wife not to divorce him. “Why did you do it? Am I not woman enough for you? How coud you disrespect me this way?” She asked. I’m sure you know what his reply was. “Ise esu ni. It’s the work of the devil” He said.
This wan weak me.”So the devil saw your maid, unzipped your trousers(abi boxer de ni), removed your “kini”, put it inside your maids “kini” and enjoyed it on your behalf abi?” I was tempted to ask. But they dinnor call me, so I decided to drink water and mind my business, before Grandma would restore my brain to factory settings with an “abara”.

This devil sef. Very busy devil. If 1000 atrocities were committed today, chances are that 995 would be attributed to him.

“Ise esu ni. It’s the work of the devil”.  That’s right. Blame it on the devil. Aswear, the devil has really suffered in the hands of Nigerians. Can’t you take responsibility for your actions?

We often think and make plans before doing stuff. We should all realize that there would be consequences for our actions. So why blame the devil because you were caught in a despicable act? Ees ya brain paining you? Can’t you think and come up with a more plausible or intelligent excuse? Don’t you know that blaming your actions on the devil makes you sound unintelligent and stupid? You weren’t informed? Well, it does. Except you are talking to an unintelligent and stupid person like yourself.

But, what do I know sef,am I not just a newbie blogger?

You people shuu contunu blaming the devil for your well thought out actions o. Wuna go dey alrigh.

To “linck” coldstone ice cream is hungrying me, mbok. Wuna good morning o!

 

Yours Truly,

3 thoughts on “TIRADE 008

Leave a Reply

Your e-mail address will not be published. Required fields are marked *