DIARIES OF A BOOLESS BAE

HUSBAND MATERIAL

 Christmas is fast approaching and our ‘Ndi in the abroad” brothers are all packed and ready to come show us how large they are, and shop for the perfect wife material. In light of this, I’m getting all packed myself and ready to go shopping for the perfect husband material. Ees nor only guys that can shop for wife material. Afterall, what a man can do, a women can do better. Amen? Hallelujah Someborri!!

Are you married? Either locally or “in the abroad”? Please move along. Ees nor your type we are finding hia. Tenkior!

Requirements.

1.You must be a single man.

Singularly single. In fact, you must be ‘single to stupor’. I’m not talking about married bachelors o(All those guys that have a wife in one state and will be living like a bachelor in another state). Or even single guys that are in a relationship.

If you are dating or in a relationship, biko break up before you apply.

If you’ve been dating a girl for the past 8 years or you have turned somebody’s daughter to “Lady of the rings” for the past four years, and you are thinking of applying, Thunder. Thunder o!
The kind of thunder that will fire you ehn, ees still gathering the momentum to fall a Nepa pole on you as you waka pass. Maybe small sense will fall on you then.

But if you are married, and you come to approach me under the guise of being a single guy, your case is different.
Welcome my boy. Do have your seat.

Ogun laka aiye osinmole
Olomi nile fi eje we
Olaso nile fi imo bora(insert incantations)

Chei! See what too much of African Magic Yoruba can cause. But you get my message bah? Good. Don’t play with me.

If you are a widower or a divorcee, it is all well and good.

But if you claim to be a divorcee, please come with evidence that your previous union has been legally dissolved. If you claim your partner is dead, please provide the video clips of her burial.

I no dey for stories that touch the heart. Thenlz.

2. You must have a steady source of income.

I don’t do Efulefu’s. Neither do I have any 11 million to give any stealanthropist.

I’m too old for nonsense, please.

3. You must be a feminist.

I will not have you telling my daughters to aspire to being a minister’s wife or a senator’s wife. I will not have you teaching my daughters that their boy is superior to them. No. We are going to raise strong confident young girls and boys.

Are you used to women who dim their light to make yours shine brighter? Are you used to women who downplay their intelligence just so you can appear more intelligent? Move along, please.

If you are a subscriber to the school of thought that women should be seen and not heard, or that it is the duty of a woman to endure and pray while you go about your merry way being a community penis, ejoor. Mi o se. I no dey do.

4.You must have a sexy surname.

Like Tosin Martins sang in his song, “Oruko e, gbodo ba mi lewa mu.” Your surname must fit my beauty. See my surname nau. ‘Ige’. Very straight to the point.

If your surname is something like Romanus, Donaltus, Onasowopowemifiiyasefaari, Okomukoroobremakpo,Jokotisefiiyaseibugbe, Eletu-Odibo, Kowonleru,  Ejovwokeoghene etc, move along mbok. I is nor doing. Tenz for coming.

5. You must be able to cook Nigerian Jollof. Party standard.

Anyone who knows me knows about my love for hot spicy Nigerian Jollof Rice. Unfortunately, this is one thing I cannot cook.

Ask Chilet, Jennifer, Bisoye, Deola and my other acquaintances. My ofada stew, Efo riro, Efo Elegusi elemi meje, Chicken peppersoup, chicken stew, fresh fish stew, peppered snails, asaro elepo rede rede and other delicacies are on point.

But you see that Jollof rice? I cannot cook it. No matter how hard I try to learn, e no dey werk. No matter the ingredients or style of preparation, it always comes out as “concotion rice”.

For the sake of “the two both of us” and our unborn children, one of us must know how to prepare Jollof rice. And that person happens to be you. Yes, you babe.(Mr. E, copy that?)

6. This is the most important point.

You can be as rich or even richer than Gucci Mane. That’s good. Very good in fact. At least then, I can finally leave my shitty 9-5 and pursue a career in scriptwriting.

If you are not that rich but you are hardworking and have prospects, that wan sef make sense.

The question is: Do you have sense? That’s the most important criteria.

Okay, okay, okay. Common sense isn’t common at all. Agreed.

But are you capable of borrowing yourself small sense? Good! You are just the man I need.

7. You must not be a people pleaser.

Are you a people pleaser? Do you go about pleasing other people i.e. friends, extended family, acquaintances at the expense of yourself and your loved ones? Biko, I’m not at home.

I no dey for ‘bami so fun’. All these guys that go and pop champagne in the club and come back to soak garri at home. They be living the flashy lifestyle but their mama dey soak akamu for house.

Ita ni iru won ti ma da. Na only for outside them sabi you as good pelzin. Your madam for house no dey ever see the good side of you. Abegi, carry your wahala and go.

Next, please.

8. Are you a mommy’s boy?

Bre- bre-aaaa-tion!
Breation!
Breation!
Stand-aaa-aiii-height!
At ease!
About turn!
By the left, quick match!!
Left right!
Left right!
Left right!

Goodbye, boy!

I cannor shout. I don’t want the one that you will always be running to ask your Momma for permission before we do things in the house.

Me: Honey, lerrus do the do nah.

You:  Let me go and ask my mom what style we should do today.

Ha! Olorun maje!

Okay okay. Maybe I’m exaggerating a bit with the above example. But you get the drift sha.

9.You must have a good physique.

Before, the attraction used to be dark, tall and handsome beard gang bobo. But right now, I have no illusions.

All I know is that you must be presentable. Even if you are not that fine, you must have one redeeming feature. Something that when I wake up every morning, I should have a reason to thank the Lord that you are all mine. Yes, I said it. All mine🙈🙈🙈.

10.You must dress responsibly.

Not the one that all this “Omo oni Sokoto tin rin tin rin” will be mistaking my husband for Hush Puppi or Wizkid because of the way you dress.

You must also not dress Yaga Yaga like an agbero.

You know me now, I dey represent. Na money wey never na hin make never dey slay. Once I hammer, I go become Instagram celebrity slay queen. I don’t want husband that will come and be disgracing me up and dan with his dressing.

11.You must be fit.

Look at RMD, Emeka Ike, Yomi Solade.

You know your Madam is a fit fam freak. I don’t want pot belly o. Ees nor the one that I will get pregnant now and people will be wondering which of us is actually pregnant because of the size of your tommy.

12. You must have a good sense of humour.

Ees nor the one that I will be playing with you and you will take it personal. E joor! Onku, carry your seriousness and be going.

13. You must be able to gbensh very well.

The size of your “Kini” doesn’t matter to me. The question is, can you use it?

14. You must not be tight-fisted.

One thing I hate in this my life is stingy koko people. I’m not a stingy person myself,ask my friends.

I wee not give you boxers and singlet as a Valentine gift(except you tell me you are going to audition for your village masquerade) in exchange for a BMW or an Iphone 8. Rara o. You’ll get a Patek Wristwatch or even an all expense paid trip to Dubai. Yass, I’m good like that.

Be romantic. Surprise me. Make me breakfast in bed. Take me to exotic places.

I heard the newest addition to the wife material requirement is a lady’s ability to cook a pot of soup with #500. Don’t try it with me o. You are not stupid in Jesus name. I reject poverty on your behalf sef.

As a single girl, I do not cook a pot of sup with #500. If you give me #500 to cook a pot of soup as a married woman just because you want to flex your muscles, I will simply use the money to buy a chilled bottle of African Special and one stick of suya. Lerrus nao see who can flex muscle pass.

15. Be open to me.

Yoruba’s say “oku o kin fa ara pa mo fun eni to ma sin ohun”. Whatever it is you are doing, let me know. Let me decide whether I’m prepared to damn the consequences and marry you or I can’t cope.

Don’t lie to me that you are a pharmacist when you are really a drug dealer. The day I find out, I’ll be the first person to blow the whistle to the NDLEA. Of course, I won’t abandon you o. I will bring food to you in the prison and take care of the home front(your extended family included), till you get out. I’m loyal like that.

I’m prepared to ride or die with you. But, I’m not your typical ride or die chick. I’ll ask questions. Where are we riding to? Do we have die? What will happen to the kids if we die? You know logical questions like that.

 

The above list is subject to review. If I don’t meet you by February 2018, I will review the criteria.

 

Photo Culled from: Pininterest.

This is just a filler fun post. The main episode of “Diaries of a booless bae” will drop by 12pm tomorrow.  Thanks for reading. My sincere apologies to all those who do not understand Yoruba or Pidgin English. Please drop your comments. Y’all know how much I love to read from you.

 

Yours Truly,

 

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  1. Momma

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