“Will you please stop crying like a child?” I heard Bidemi snap, from faraway in lalaland.

“Oh! Gawd!” I snapped, sitting up. “Ki lo sele gan gan! Somebody cannor sleep in peace again? Oga o” I continued, making my way to the toilet.

“On the gen o!” I yell,from the toilet window. “On the gen o!” came the reply from another room.(Only an occupant of the female DLW hostel in Ajayi Crowther University can relate to this. Once it is 6pm, we used to chant ‘On the gen o!’ until the generator is put on) “On the gen o!”the chorus began. As if on cue, the generator came on. I ran out to charge my BB Curve 7.

“Ha ha! Why is this one crying?” I ask, referring to Oma who was wailing like someone who just heard her death sentence.

As if I just pressed the play button on a remote, Oma increased the volume of her tears.

“He he he he he! I-I c-ca-can’t b-be-be-live he just stood there a-an-and watched her beat me” she wailed, between hiccups.

“Wait o. What were you expecting after delivering the first slap? Were you expecting her to say thank you for the slap?” Lola the ever voice of reason, asked.

“Wo, all this talk is longing things jarey. Lerrus go to her hostel and beat her up” Wunmi gingered, getting up

“Beat who?” I asked

“Is it not that stupid Morayo? Oma caught her in Wale’s house in town” Lola told me.

“And?” I ask, still not getting the point why we were supposed to go and beat Morayo up.

“Ha ha na! Why are you like this?” Wunmi asked. “You mean someone will just beat our girl up and go scot-free?”

“Wait o. You mean she beat you?” I asked looking to Oma for conformation. She nodded. “Maka why?” I asked, incredulously.

“Oma slapped her first,” Lola quipped.

“So you mean you guys fought over a man? Oga o. I really don’t understand the rationale behind fighting another girl over a man o. I mean, the fact that another girl is involved in the first place, is enough indication that you’ve fought and lost……” I said, trying to sound deep.

‘Ejoor ma. Dictionary! Storyteller, philosopher aiye. That is nor why we are here. Ees nor every time you will be sounding deep biko” Wunmi interrupted taking a jab at me.

“Oh well,” I thought.

“Besides, you are only saying all this because you have never been in such a situation.” Wunmi concluded.

“Ehn! Says who?” I asked. “Mtcheew. Emi laiye mi. Omo Bariga to the core. You know I don’t take nonsense” I said.

“Gerrout joor. Enu ni kan lo ni”

“Ha! Emi!” I hit my chest. “Do you even know the story of how me and Kay broke up?” I ask, bragging.

“Tell us” Oma said, wiping her tears.

“Yes tell us. Madam storyteller” Wunmi added, derisively.

 

 

 

*******

One weekend, I was bored in school. So I  decided to pay Kunle a surprise visit in Ibadan. On getting to the house, I put the spare key he had given me in the door knob, only for a lady to open the door from within.

The lady was wearing Kunle’s over-size T-shirt and one of the boxers I bought for him as a Valentine’s gift. Two things immediately became apparent: We were both sharing the same boyfriend and aunty was way older than I was. I’d put the age difference to somewhere around 5/7 years.

“Nibo ni Kunle ti ri Aunty ancient of days?” I thought to myself.

“Hi! Can I help you,” Aunty asked, smiling.

“Eh! Gawd o! Can you help me? In my own boyfriend’s house? Chei. Walahi weyrey lobade. I will show you correct Bariga craze” I decided.

“Ha! Iyawo wa!” I gushed, smiling broadly. “Uncle Kunle has told me a lot about you. You are every bit as beautiful as he claimed. But he didn’t tell me you are around o”.

Aunty collected my bag and ushered me in. “I just came in last night. You must be Teni”.

I nod, still smiling. Na there I start to dey display my Bariga craze. Aunty asked what I would like to eat.” Jollof rice and Peppered Snail” I replied. “Party Jollof rice o”.

Aunty rushed out to get the ingredients and started cooking, while I sat comfortably in the living room, put up my legs on the centre table and watched Tv. Still angry, I decided to boss her around a bit.

“Iyawo! Please can I get a glass of water?”Aunty brings it.

“Iyawo, can I get something to munch on while waiting for the food? I’m really hungry”. Aunty runs out to get me some chin-chin and juice.

“Iyawo, where is the Dstv remote”  I asked, even though it was right there in front of me. Aunty hurries out of the kitchen to hand it to me.

We continued in this manner until the food was ready. Na hin I con balance, download the Jollof rice with one bottle of Pepsi ‘Orobo’. You guys remember my steamy love affair with Pepsi in those days now.

Chai! Aunty sabi cook sha. The jollof rice make mad brain. Correct Yoruba standard party jollof rice.

At this point, our darling boyfriend had come back home from wherever it was that he went to. On seeing me, he started to fidget.

“Iyawo!” I shouted. “Please can I get some take away rice? I want to go and gist mumcy about the cooking prowess of our Iyawo.” You need to see how she ran to package the rice.

Then I turned to face our boyfriend.

“Uncle Kunle, owo project ti mo beere yin ko?” wordlessly, Kunle reached for his wallet and counted 9k for me.

So stingykoko Kunle can give me 9,000 without making a fuss? I decided to milk it.

“Haa, Uncle its not fair o. I told you my project is 25,000 and you are giving me just 9,000”  I said.

Ni Kunle ba yari o. He said no, he doesn’t have 25,000 that I should go back to school and he would sort it out later. Iffa hia that I go without making a fuss. Me that I was enjoying how uncomfortable he was clearly feeling.

I just burst into tears. Geez! I would make a damn good actress, If I do say so myself. I don’t know where the tears came from, the tears just kept flowing.

Chai! You need to see the look on Kunle’s face. I swear the guy must have thought I was a psycho. I know I acted weird that day. Kunle sha added 4k to the money and kept begging me. 

Aunty brought my take away jollof . Kai! If you see the way she packaged the jollof rice with plenty snails and meat. As per Iya Oko standard. She even gave me 3k for transport back to school. Such a cheerful giver our Iyawo was.

When I saw how nice she was, my kidney failed me. I contemplated confessing that we were sharing the same boyfriend. But Kunle hurriedly ushered me out of the house.

That was how I jejely carried my bag and came back to school o. You guys were even surprised to see me.

A week later, Kunle came to see me in school, begging me to forgive and forget. Forgive what? I ask.

“You know na!” Kunle replied. “See Solape, I love you from the depth of my heart. Bla bla bla bla bla……..”

Me, I was nor hearing him again o, I was just savouring the taste of the rice our Iyawo prepared for me. Rice yen make brains gan ni.

 

*********

“Ykayy!” Oma exclaimed, smiling through her tears. You be correct razzo. Craze dey your head.

“Mtcheew!” Wunmi said. “Walahi, when you said you showed her correct Bariga craze, a different scenario came to mind”.

“Me too” Lola added.

“See these ones o. What were you expecting when I said werey lobade? That I would fight Aunty, abi? Iffa hear. Me that I don’t have strength. You people give me too much credit abeg”.

*******

 

This episode should have been uploaded last Sunday at noon. Unfortunately, after typing the entire blog post, my network provider choose that time to act up and I couldn’t retrieve the post. I sincerely apologize for defaulting on my promise. That was why I uploaded the filler post to compensante Y’all yesterday.

 

Yours Truly,