I learnt a very big and vital lesson this past week. You see ehn, if two lovers are fighting, don’t interfere too much. This rule doesn’t only apply to married couples o. It applies to unmarried couples even more. Especially if you (the interfere) happens to be ‘single to stupor’ like my humble self.

Let me start this gist from the very beginning.

I met Omalicha in NYSC orientation camp during our service year. We had been standing on all sorts of queues for our five hours when we began chatting about NYSC, Nigeria, the sun and our expectations for the three weeks camping. We eventually became fast friends. Chai! The commotion we caused in those days sha.

We continued our friendship after camp. As a matter of fact, we became quite inseparable.

You see, Omalicha and I had the same problem. We always attracted the worst set of men. While I always used to borrow myself small sense after my mumu don do, Omalicha almost always never learns or listens.

I remember one of her boyfriends, Dayo. Till this day, myself and our other mutual friends often wonder what the attraction was for her. “Wetin she see for Dayo body sef,”  We often wondered.

Dayo wasn’t a handsome guy. He wasn’t rich, and neither did he have a good physique or even swags. Worse still, he had this disgusting Yoruba accent.

I know what you are thinking now that I’ve mentioned Yoruba accent.  Something like Falz’s abi? Taar! Dah wan even dey sexy. I mean proper Ogbomosho accent. Whenever he spoke, he reminded me of Jamiu the mechanic.

As if that wasn’t bad enough, he was arrogant and an extortionist to boot. He was a typical ‘Abuja Boy’. There is this thing about ‘Abuja Boys’ and packaging. You think its only Lagos ‘Bigz gehs’ that practice the ‘fake it until you make it’ lifestyle? Then, you haven’t met an ‘Abuja Boy’.

Dayo kept lying to Omalicha that he was expecting money from some contracts he had executed for the Federal Government. He collected dough to the tune of 3.7million naira from our dear friend before the bubble burst.

Of course, Chilet and I saw through his scam and tried to caution her against giving him money, but Omalicha went ahead to tell Dayo everything we told her about him. The whole issue became one messy ‘Isu ata yan yan’ (meaning yam pepper scatter scatter’  until she got to discover that Dayo was actually married with 5kids and 3 baby mamas.

Yes. You read right. 5 kids, 1 legal wife and 2 other baby mamas.

She was of course heart-broken and swore off men for a period of time, before she started dating again.

Omalicha’s current boyfriend is Segun(Not his real name. Omalicha isn’t her real name either). Segun is a tall, handsome, very jovial and friendly young man. You just have to like him. For the first time since I met Omalicha, I could see why she would be attracted to a guy. He was the first somewhat sensible guy I had seen Omalicha with.

I say somewhat because of all the loafers I have seen Omalicha with,  Segun is an ambitious and hardworking young man. Unfortunately, Segun is the typical Yoruba Demon. Segun can do “sheenor for Africa and the whole damn world”. Baba nla player ni bobo Segun yen.

So I was on my own o, dreaming about my handsome new crush when Omalicha called me around 1am in the morning.

“Hello”

“I’m in the hospital” she said hoarsely.

“Hospital keh? Ki lo sele? Is it malaria? Typhoid? O ma Gawd…….Accident?” I asked. (I mentioned accident because Omalicha is one hell of a rough driver.)

“Yes” She said. “It was an accident.”

I was so worried, I couldn’t sleep a wink after that. The next day, Chilet and I drove down to the hospital as early as 5:45am.

“How did it happen?” We asked.

Wait for it. (Insert typical Nollywood suspense drum roll)

Omalicha had gone for a sleep over in Segun’s house when one of his babe’s and her friends burst into the house. In the brouhaha that ensued, the babe and her friends joined hands together and beat Omalicha to a pulp while Segun looked on. After a while, he picked up his car keys and left the house, locking them all in. In simple words, he left her there at their mercy.

Chai! I was angry on her behalf. What nonsense!

I stayed with her in the hospital until she was discharged after which I shifted base to her house.

Segun gave her countless missed calls during this period and at one time, she instructed me to pick the call and ask him not to call her again. This I did.

You can imagine my consternation when Omalicha came to my place two nights to accuse me of trying to scatter her relationship just so I can snatch her man. “Trying to snatch your man, keh” I asked.

“Yes”. Babe said her man(Segun) claimed he had always noticed I was unhappy about their love and I sometimes winked at him.

Eh Gawd o! Mo se ore daran!

“And yes I believe him. The way you happily picked the call and shouted on him not to call me again was suspicious. It shows you have ulterior motives.” She concluded.

“Ulterior motives? But you, Omalicha instructed me to pick the call and tell him not to call you again. You did say you were no longer interested in him. How does following your instruction translate to me trying to snatch your man? ” I asked.

“Please!” She screamed. “Don’t tell me nonsense. I’m not responsible for your singlehood. Madam Booless bae. When I asked you to tell him not to call me again, couldn’t you have advised me against making such a wrong move? Enemy of progress. That’s what you are. You want me to join you in your booless condition abi? Tufia! I’m not the one that asked you to be Booless o. Stay away from my man. Bla bla bla bla …..”  she continued ranting.

I never knew there was such a thing as ‘single shame’ o. Until Omalicha ‘Single Shamed’ me for trying to be a good friend. Well, I’ve learnt my lesson. Never again will I interfere in a lovers quarrel.

 

Yours Truly,