DIARIES OF A BOOLESS BAE

THE BOYFRIEND THAT NEVER WAS

Ever heard of friend zone? Know what it means? Yes? No?

Lemme define it, just in case you don’t know what it means.

According to Wikipedia, the friend zone is a situation in which one member of a friendship wishes to enter into a romantic or sexual relationship, while the other does not. It is generally considered to be an undesirable situation for the rejected person.

As if that isn’t a bad enough situation for any love struck young lady to deal with, I was put in the grandmother of all zones by one young man I fancied myself to be in love with.

I met Mr.Kay at Next Cash and Carry Supermarket one cold rainy Wednesday afternoon. I remember it was a Wednesday because during my service year, my cds days were Wednesdays.

On that particular Wednesday, I was quite cashless. I had run out of gas and I had no foodstuff at home to begin with, so cooking was totally out of the equation. I decided to buy bread and 1 litre bottle of Coke at Next, which would double as brunch, dinner and maybe even breakfast to work the next morning.

Now, anyone who has been to Next to buy bread can testify to the long queues for bread which was a daily occurrence. Monday-Sunday. I have never been to Next and not met a long queue of people while trying to buy bread. Sometimes I get impatient whilst on the queue and decide to forget about buying the bread. If Next was a bukka or local restaurant and such a crowd was a daily occurrence, Nigerians in their typical superstitious manner would have said the Owner of Next Cash and Carry had put “jazz” in the bread. It is that serious.

Well, since it was a Wednesday afternoon and most people had gone to work, the queue was a bit reduced. However, the bread was just being kneaded, so we all had to wait for it come out of the oven.

“Hi,” I heard the guy in front of me say.

‘Abeg abeg abeg, I no get strength to dey form small talk’ I thought, so I ignored him.

I felt his eyes on me, so I looked up, prepared to stare him down. Emi oju yo bo fun ra mi.

I looked up, and my heart skipped a beat.

Oh my Jesus Christ! Whoever said the beautiful ones are not yet born, is either blind or a blatant liar. This guy was beautiful. If human beings were food, he would be a large pot of hot Spicy Nigerian party Jollof rice with plantain, assorted meat and Chicken. He would be a chill glass of Chi-Exotic juice. He would be a large bowl of Cold Stone Ice cream. Chai! Dude was one hell of a handsome guy.

I fed my eyes on him, taking notice of even the minutest detail. He was tall, had dark unblemished skin, full sexy lips and his beards were neatly trimmed. Merely looking at him, it was quite obvious that he worked out, because he looked quite fit with sexy muscles and a near flat tommy (or was it six packs? I can’t be sure sha).

“Hi” he repeated, smiling.

“Hi” I replied, still staring.

“How many loaves of bread are you buying?” He asked.

“One”

“Can you pick two and give me one? I need three loaves of bread and I heard they won’t let you pick more than two at a time”

“No qualms” I replied, disappointed. I mean, I just met my Mr. Right and instead of him to ask for my number, my momma’s number, my name or even my shoe size, all he can think of to ask me to do is to help him pick one loaf of bread. Issorite.

Well, I took an extra loaf of bread, gave it to him and went to get my 1litre coke.

“You just disappeared” I heard someone say from behind me, at the cash counter.

“Oh, its you” I said.

We exchanged pleasantries and numbers. It was raining heavily outside so he offered to drop me at home.

That night, we talked for 4hours. I felt like we had known each other for years. We made arrangements to meet the next day and then the next day after that. We bonded really quickly.

You see, Kay was exactly my type of man. He was fine, could hold his own in any argument, witty, had a huge sense of humour and (then the one that completely blew me away) he was an avid reader.

Blood of Nebucadenezar! I have found the one. Mama look at how I made it!! (Sheds tears of joy).

We became inseparable real quick. Every damn day of the week, Kay would come pick me up at my Ppa by 4pm and we would chill till we got tired. On weekends, we were always together. We went hiking, clubbing, partying and shopping together.

The only thing that struck me as a cause for concern was that Kay did not so much as even make an attempt to kiss me in all of this. He would jokingly hug me and press the folds at my sides to determine if there was any difference in my body with all the working out I was doing at the time, but that was about it.

At first, I was worried.

“Ha! Ykayy, you are so used to all those fuck boys that only want to mark register, that you can’t recognize a good guy when you finally meet one” I chided myself mentally.

“We ought to go to run some tests at the clinic” Kay said to me while I was making lunch for us one day.

“Tests?” I asked.

“Tests. Genotype, Hiv, Hepatitis etc. You know, those tests” He replied.

Chai! Ti won ba gun eshin ninu mi ni ojo yen, ko ni ko se. I was overjoyed. In my mind, Kay wanted to take me serious, hence his suggestion that we go run tests at the clinic.

Yinmu sontin.

One night, we had just finished seeing a late night movie at the cinemas, when Kay informed me that he would like me to follow him someplace later in the week.

“No biggie” I said.

Two days later, Kay brought me a blue dress and a nice pair of black bumps. “I want you to wear this tomorrow night,” he said.

“Wait fess, where are we going?” I asked.

“Wait for it.” He replied, smiling. “Its meant to be a surprise.”

On the said day, I spent 4 good hours on make up. I really calmed down to do a good job, beating my face to perfection. Chai! I was really looking very beautiful, if I do say so myself. Fine geh lomo la ti le. Slay queen of laive. 

The brightness of Kay’s smile when he saw me ehn, made the hours I spent on making up, worth my while.

“You look absolutely breathtaking” he said.

Chai! Coman see me blushing. I was just grinning from ear-to-ear like a love struck groom whose bride is walking down the aisle, towards him.

“Where are we?” I asked, when I realised that he was driving into a house.

“Calm down babe” he said.

‘Abi he wants to goan introduce me to his parents ni?’  I thought, excited.

“Ykayy, Meet my brother Kingsley” he said, introducing me to his brother who had come out to open the gate for us.

His brother was a slightly heavier version of him, with a receding hair-line and a very obvious potbelly. “How are you?” He asked, greeting me.

“Fine sir” I replied.

We went into the house and Kay disappeared into one of the rooms, leaving me and his brother, to do some small talk.

After what looked to me like an hour, Kay came out of wherever he had disappeared to, and we made our leave. He drove me home, and just as I was about to him my customary goodnight hug, Kay asked what I thought about his brother.

“He’s cool” I said.

“Yea, I know right? The question is do you like him?” He asked.

“Sure.” I replied. Well, what was I supposed to say? I mean, dude was about to become my brother-in-law. It wouldn’t be nice to say I found him boring and kinda creepy right?

“Great, he likes you too”.

What followed left a bitter taste in my mouth. It would have found it very funny if it had happened to someone other than me.

Kay proceeded to give me the life history of his brother and how they(his family) have decided to marry a wife for him because only a “good and virtuous” wife can make his Efulefu of a brother man up and become responsible. I was going to argue and ask him why they felt he would become more responsible and not worse than he currently was, if he got married.

But its none of my business, so I kept quiet.

Kay then began to praise me. Oni wipe alamu mu mi se eniyan. According to him, I am a combination of beauty and brains. I know how to start a conversation and keep it going. I am domesticated, fun to be with and very down-to-earth. Ori mi wu o, e la gi mo!

I dinnor even know my wife material was up to 1,000 yards. Chai! ‘My head was just swelling like Agege bread that they put inside water.’

Then came the shocker.

“I want you to marry my brother,” he said. “I have studied you, and you are exactly the kind of woman my brother needs. I will of course, take care of you guys financially.”

Mi o gbo oyinbo. I quickly scratched my ear lobes with my fingers just to ensure I was not mishearing.

“I don’t understand. Your brother? I thought we had something going on between us two? I thought you said you loved me?” I asked, feeling a bout of the legendary Bariga craze coming up.

“Don’t get me wrong o. I like you. In fact, I love you so much, I’d like you to be my sister. My brother’s wife. You wouldn’t lack anything I promise. Immediately after your wedding, I’ll set you up with the sum of ……. ……, bla bla bla bla bla bla” He said.

It was then it dawned on me, that I had just been successfully put in the grandmother of all zones. Prior to this time, I wasn’t even aware that the sister-in-law zone existed.

“My fiancée just finished her masters in Coventry University, and she’ll be coming home to Nigeria …… bla bla bla bla” he was saying.

I felt like using the ‘Eyikule’ of my Owo (back of my hand) to insert sim card into his ears. I began to notice how ugly he was. You see, the person that came up with the saying that beauty is in the eyes of the beholder did not lie at all. In fact, he or she deserves a standing ovation.

Kay went from handsome to ugly in my sight within 5 seconds.
He was too tall. Even when I wear heels, I have to look up when talking to him.
He is too dark sef. Somebody that if he is put in a slightly dark room, the only thing you will be seeing is his white teeth. Dudu someborri.
Even his teeth sef, were not well set. Afi bi button aso.
His accent sef, became more pronounced as he spoke. Very thick igbotic accent.
His lips sef, too full. Elete momo ri mo mo someborri. Afi bi ti lasisi elenu. Chai! Very ugly someborri.

My dear, that was how the village people the battle that year o. The one man I managed to find, eleyii to wu mi, ti mo si wu  was only interested in Sister- in-law zoning me.

Solape= 0
Village people=1000

This life sha. Issa pot of beans sontin.

Abeg who has Malaysian or Indonesian cousin broda coming home for Xmas this year?

📷Photo Credit: My Bestie of laive, Charly Omams came through for me on this one.

 

Yours Truly,

 

 

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20 Comments

  1. Suspense filled. Totally riveting. You know I actually ran to read the concluding parts at a point. You know exactly how to keep your reader reading till the end.Good job babe.

    1. Thanks Maje. I aim to please

  2. I hearby confer upon you, the title “Akowe ko wura”. See description!

    If human beings were food, he would be a large pot of hot Spicy Nigerian party Jollof rice with plantain, assorted meat and Chicken. He would be a chill glass of Chi-Exotic juice. He would be a large bowl of Cold Stone Ice cream.

    1. Thanks Bimbo. I’m happy that you loved this piece enough to confer a title on me. I appreciate you

  3. Charles says:

    Lol piece of life. Go shawty!

    1. Thanks Shawty

  4. Lmao. Sister-in-law zoned. Eleyi tun gidi gan ni. Your village really got you this time around. I swear na your village people be the admin of this zone.

    1. As in ehn. No be small thing o. Na my village people really dey in charge of the zone o

  5. Omg, I sincerely love your diction, you garnished it up with yoruba, and spiced it up with some funny slangs. I will love to read more from you,keep the fire burning you just added a fan to your stardom. Much love.

    1. Ouch! Thanks Hawah. I totally appreciate this feedback.

  6. Adeagbo Adebayo says:

    Mehn… 👌 I’m rating this 5⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ (over 5) the information were quantitative, full of suspence, anxiety, emotion, it was deep!

    Shola Ige, I don’t abt any other person o. You’re a good prose writer abi na poetry ni 😂( forgive my English. More of the dis!

    1. Awww. Thanks Àdebayo. I’m glad you liked it enough to rate it a 5 star. You do know I’m your number one fan, right? More of this coming soon.

  7. I am blown away with your story.. I love to see more baby girl. Keep up the great work. Some real story

    1. Thanks Bimbo.

  8. Chilet says:

    Interesting. 👍👍

    1. Thanks dearie

  9. Shi Fu #hermie says:

    for all the hearts broken and bobo’s you have carted into the friend zone abyss, na ds earth u go receive ur payback..lol…but was the money he wanted to set you up with nt hefty enough ?….#im out

  10. Ebunoluwa says:

    Lol!! Very interesting I must say. You write exactly the same way you talk. I literally read it in your voice 😂. Mr right is on his way

    1. Shola says:

      Lol @ read it in my voice😂😂😂

      Thanks for reading Ebun. I’m glad you like it

  11. Ebunoluwa says:

    Lol, very interesting I must say. I read it in your voice 😂. Mr right coming as soon as possible 🙌🏽. Keep up the good work

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