Ello Errybody, My name is not Lasisi, but sumin’ juss happin right nau.(Pardon my English).

I’m very angry. Seriously, I am very very angry.

All these friends that usually arrange blind dates for their single friends, is it that you people do not use to consider the compatibility of the two people you are trying to match-make?
Abi, what is all this gan pa pa?

My friend felt I was being too complacent with my booless status, so he’s been contriving to hook me up with one of his friends. I usually pay him no heed, because he’s quite a ‘razzo’ (You know, Razz. As in rough. There’s nothing bad with being a razzo o. Just not my taste ni.) like him and all.

But a picture convinced me.

Choi! This man was beautiful. BEAUTIFUL. Wait, you don’t understand. The guy looked like the Nigerian version of Idris Elba. Abeg,na who talk say ‘Man’s not hot’? Oya come here and collect slap. Issa lie. This ‘Man is hot’.

And what made him even more attractive to me was the fact that this was a MAN. Not all these fuck boys who are still sowing their wild oats.

“Wait fess. How do you even know him?” I asked.

“Na my big bros for hood dat year o” Amaechi replied.

“And hin never marry? This bros don mature o” I asked, still scrutinizing the picture.

“No o. Marriage kwa? The bros been dey hustle make everything set na. Besides, you know say first-born for our side dey always like make hin settle him siblings before hin marry. Na now hin come dey find wife seriously.”

“But, I bow for you o. You feel say I go fit introduce you to married man? You don fail my hand.” He said, forming vex.

“Haba! No vex nau. I juss say make I ask.”

“No dey ask stupid questions. Make I give am your number?”

The first thing I insisted on when I got talking with Dozie was a whatsapp video call. Don’t blame me o. Beingthe Chief Operating Officer of  Photo Editing,Which editing app dey wey I no sabi?  I know very well that pictures can be deceiving and a live video call leaves little or no chance for editing.

And yea, Dozie was everything the picture I saw portrayed and more. Gosh! Dude was beautiful. And more interestingly, the chemistry +biology was fire and the conversation was lit. Every conversation was a hit back-to-back.

After about 2 weeks of everyday phone conversations, we made arrangements to meet.

We were supposed to meet at Food Central Restuarant by 6:30pm but Dozie called to say he’d be an hour late and I should go ahead and order what I’d like to eat.

I was just crunching the last piece of bone from my newly murdered chicken when I saw him coming down from a very clean Range Rover sports car.

‘Omo I don catch dis one o. Eja nla leleyi o. I wee die dere,’ I thought to myself.

Uncle was already smiling as he approached me and I was blushing furiously.

“Hi,” he said. Giving me a side hug.

And it bombarded me. Afi bi igba ti won shi sucker way ile igbe. It was just as if they had just opened a suckerway full of shit.

‘Hi!’ I replied, wondering where the foul smell was coming from.

“I’m sorry I kept you waiting …. …..” He said, whilst settling down to seat.

And then the go  Skkkkkkkkkkk rrrrrrr krrrr kpa pa pa pa

Man’s not Hot🎶🎶🎶🎶.

You know that foul smell that comes from dead fish or storing water that has been used to wash fish for days? That was the smell.

Eh God o! Onku you want to kee me?

I know we are all not perfect. We all have one comma. But fine man lai dis, mouth odour? And you cannor lick tom-tom or even spray mouth perfume in your car before coming out to meet someone’s daughter? Ha! Onku, Ika ni yin o!

And you Amaechi, you dinnor see someone reasonable to hook me up with is someone that has unbearable mouth odour abi? Tanzalot!

Dear future husband, you see what you are making me experience? Berra come and locate me kia kia!!

Photo Culled from: Pininterest


Yours Truly,