DIARIES OF A BOOLESS BAE

JIBITI VIJAY -JAY

“Madam, how far you nau? Na fone you come here con press?” I asked Wura.

It was a Thursday evening and we were chilling at the roof top of ‘Shashilga Court’. The place was kinda dry for a thursday evening, as we were practically the only people there.

Lape was taking a drag out of the Shisha she ordered for, whilst Chilet and Jennifer were nursing their cans of black Bullet.

“I tire o! If you no say na fone dey hungry you to press, why you no siddon for your house dey press ya fone?” Chilet added.

“I no juss understand o.” Jennifer said, joining the mix. “Na only you get fone? Make we sef start to dey press our fone nau. Abi why we con organize girls night out, If you no say na fone you go dey press? We for kuku call am fone pressing outing.” We all burst out laughing.

“Abeg, abeg, abeg, e don do nau. I bin dey read one interesting post lai dat for Facebook. See as all of wuna juss gather mouth for my body. Wetin happen sef?” Wura replied, after the laughter had died down a bit.

(Phone rings:🎶🎶🎶🎶)

If I quit your BM I still ride Mercedes, funk
If I quit this season I still be the greatest, funk
My left stroke just went viral
Right stroke put lil baby in a spiral
Soprano C, we like to keep it on a high note
It’s levels to it, you and I know, bitch be humble

(Hol’ up bitch) sit down,
(Hol’ up lil bitch, hol’ up, lil bitch) be humble
(Hol’ up bitch) sit down (sit down hol’ up lil bitch)
Be humble (bitch)
(Hol’ up, hol’ up, hol’ up, hol’ up) bitch sit down
Lil bitch (hol’ up lil bitch) be humble🎶🎶🎶

“Wole Malaysia.” Jennifer said, calling the name that popped up on my ringing phone. “Pick your call now”.

“Nna ehn, leave am. I no dey pick. Na dat guy wey I meet for village last Xmas” I replied, pressing the volume button on the phone.

“D one wey you say hin mama con toast you by herself?” Chilet asked.

“Na him o”

“Issa lie. The guy mama con toast you?” Wura asked.

“Yes o. My maale say make I carry food go gie the woman on christmas day. Na hin the woman dash me 5k say make I come back con see am.” I said, taking a sip of my Tequila.

“As I go back go see the woman na hin she start to dey chyke me o. Say she like me, say I dey very respectful, say she go like make her son marry me. I tell am say I don hear, na hin she collect my number”

“Na lie! I neva hia dis kain pattern before o” Wura said, clapping her hands together.

“Hin mama dey chyke babe for am. Hmmm. You sure say the guy no be imbecile?”

“Imbecile bawo? Na fine boy o. You know all dis ‘in the abroad’ guys nau”.

“Oh. Why you no con dey pick hin calls nau?” Jennifer asked.

“Taar! Iffa hia say I pick hin calls. Guy wey be say since dat last year, na only two times hin don call me. E sure me die say na because hin go soon enter Naija for christmas na hin make am dey call me” I replied, signalling the waiter. “Two more shots, please”

“Ha ha ha ha. Hin dey find naija babe wey hin go chop dis Xmas” Chilet said.

“Dey don dey enter town o. Very soon now person no go hear word again. Na so innit innit we go dey hear. All dese Malay and Southee boys go come nau dey speak innit for you. Even dose ones wey go ordinary Togo go come back with British accent.” Lape said.

“I dey tell you. But you have to give it to them though. They are usually very loaded.” Jennifer said, taping her hands like someone counting money. “Ego putu putu”

“Why won’t dey be loaded. Do you know what the exchange rate is? $1000 is N360,000. Come imagine guy wey budget to spend 3k dols dis Xmas” Chilet said.

“Yinmu sontin. No be all of dem dey spend o.You berra shine ya eyes. The fear of ‘in the abroad’ guys is the beginning of wisdom. You see, there are different categories of ‘in the abroad’ guys.”

“Some of them are coming to look for Naija wives. Those ones will marry you, leave you here in Nigeria and go back to their foreign wives.

There are the real big boys, who just want to chop, clean mouth and pay. If na wetin you dey find be dat and you jam one of dem, na hin be say Santa remember you be dat.

Then the broke ones dey. Especially dose wey dem deport come from Spain, Italy, South Africa wey don dey hide for Lagos since June dey clone foreign numbers dey wait make Xmas reach make dem go form abroad returnee for village.

And the worst set of guys are the Faworaja’s. These ones do not have any intention of spending for you o. No sincerity at all. Na chop and clean mouth dem dey find.” I said, diluting my Chapman with tequila.

“Oshey! Madam Blogger, researcher aiye!” Lape hailed, laughing. “See as you dey analyse am”

“You no see as I open mouth dey look am?”Chilet added, giggling.

“But na true she dey talk o. This Faworaja set of returnees reminds me of the post I read on facebook just now. Ykayy, shey you are following Remi Adeoye II on facebook?” Wura asked.

I nodded.

“Shey you saw his post on body scamming?”

“Which wan con be body scamming again abeg,” Jennifer asked.

“Wait, lemme read it out for you guys” Wura replied, scrolling through her phone.

“Body Scammer on the Loose

The lady counted herself fortunate when she came across the London-based handsome dude about four months ago on social media platform called Tagged. They video chatted for hours and exchanged calls. He was an only son whose mother was in Nigeria. He desired to marry soon and settle down.

In no time they were really into each other. He was young and dashing and has a good job in London. He planned to come home this December for introduction to her family. Her joy was boundless.

About two weeks ago, she chatted with him all day on his UK line +447417592902. Then early the next morning a Nigerian number called her severally and she refused to pick only for the UK line to send a message that she should pick the call, he was the one. So she picked, totally confused.

He announced that he got a message that his mother was admitted at the Canal Hospital, Apapa and he had to take the next flight home to see her. He invited her to hang out. They met at Ogudu Road, Ojota near Perisonal Opposite Lavida. From there he took her to his friend’s place at 49 Adeyemi Akapo Street, Ikeja and ravished her throughout the night.

Ordinary bar of chocolate he didn’t bring for her from London. All along she knew him as Richard Olaniyi Omotosho. But his Nigerian number exposed him on IMO as Moyosore Adetomiwa and also showed her his wedding pictures which look quite recent. A few quick calls revealed the guy had never gone to even Cotonou not to talk of London.” She read.

“Abeg abeg abeg! The tori too long jawe.” Chilet interrupted. “So the girl go fall mugu for married man wey neva go Contonu, thinking say na abroad guy she fall for?”

“The one wey mad me for whole full gist na say the guy no buy am ordinary chocolate. Chai! I pity for the girl sha. No be small body scamming.” Jennifer drawled, and we all started laughing.

“Reminds of my relationship with Bambo.” Lape said quietly.

“Na true o” I said. “We no dey hear hin gist again. How far you and Bambo nau?”

“Bambo na correct Faworaja” Lape replied, taking a long drag of shisha and blowing out the smoke in circles.

“I talk am. That guy mouth too sweet. Na since when hin don dey shout Dubai dey promise £100 na hin I don dey suspect am. Mtcheew!” Chilet hissed.

“Abeg madam I too know. E don do” I said, tackling Chilet. “Wetin happen jare, madam?”

“See am. Amebo. You too like gist” Jennifer said. “I no say na wetin you go write for your blog you dey find”.

“Yes o. Before nko?” I asked. “I must to write dis gist for my blog ni.”

“Oya gist us nau. How did you even meet him sef?” Wura asked.

 

****************

 

Lape’s POV

I met Bambo on Facebook sometime last year.

I had just finished seeing Olori Ropo’s wedding party on Youtube. I was in love with her charming demeanour so I decided to add her up on Facebook, just to see more of her pictures. I was going through her profile, when I stumbled on Bambo’s profile picture and I was totally blown away by how cute and fresh he looked. There was something about his eyes that captivated me.

Shoot your shot! shoot your shot! Isn’t that what everyone is saying to girls these days? Well, I decided to shoot by sending him a friend request.

As if he was lying in wait for me to send him a friend request, he accepted my request immediately and slid into my inbox. Within 5 minutes, he had already liked all my pictures, even those I had posted as far back as 2012.

Eh! See me see yori yori love o! Na so we take start o.

Bambo was a London-based Ophtamologist. According to him, he was a divorcee with one son who lived with his white ex-wife in Woolwich. Na your broda sef Ykayy. Hin say hin be crown prince for Ijebu Igbo. He actually seemed very sincere.

I was very much single at the time and even though  distance relationships were not my thing, I decided to give it a trial with Bambo. Ama do anything for that ‘D’. Afterall, my living 5 minutes away from my ex didn’t stop him from cheating on me with everything in skirt.

We lost touch for a couple of months when my phone was stolen and I couldn’t log on to Facebook. It was as though a huge part of me was missing. I was already used to our everyday banter and conversations. Gosh, how I missed him.

The first thing I did when I got a new phone was send him an inbox message on Facebook with my new phone number. I had made up my mind never to retrieve my old line, as per old things have passed away nau.

About 30 minutes later, I recieved a phone call from him. And that was how we rekindled our friendship. In fact, we became even closer than we were before.

And then he came to Nigeria. I was supposed to go meet him in Lagos as we had plans of visiting a lot of exotic places and doing lots of interesting stuff together.

Prior to this time, I had informed him of my plans to move from Karu to town.

‘How much are you paying in your current apartment?’ He asked.

‘250,000’ I replied.

‘And how much is an apartment in town?’

‘Not so sure. But I ought to be able to get a self-con apartment for 350-400’

‘That’s not bad. I’ll give you the 150 difference to add to it when I come to Nigeria’

‘Awww. Thanks boo’ I replied, elated.  150,00 in this buharimony? I was so happy.

The first warning signal ought to have been when Bambo gave me one long story about not being able to transfer from his account. That was how I used my own money to buy my own flight ticket to go see him in Lagos.

‘I’ll refund you when you get here.’ He said.

My dear friends, that Bambo na Elenu and Chidera someborri. He get mouth die.

Of all the promises he made, none of them were fulfilled. There was this gold chain with a huge cross penchant I always saw around his neck whenever we were making a video call.

‘This one you are always admiring my chain. I’ll give it to you when I come to Naija. Maybe you’ll let me rest then.” He promised.

Yinmu sontin. Afi chain na. I dinnor see ordinary bronze bracelet not to talk of gold chain. When I asked him for the gold chain, Bambo gave me one long pathetic story of how he lost it at the airport.

He always had one story handy for every inquiry.

Even the Inagbe grand resorts and La Campaign Tropicana we planned to go sef, we eventually didn’t go.

That one dinnor even pain me.

You see the kain gbenshing wey the guy gbensh for the 5 days wey I spend with am for Lagos ehn, infact my toto don pepper me as I dey reason am. No be gbensh I go call am again. Na real ravishing like that geh wey dey the post wey Wura read just now talk.

Which style we no do? Bambo go throwey one of my leg go Zambia, carry the other one go Asia. He had me acting out all sorts of weird sexual fantasizes, all in the name of being sexually adventurous. There was a time when he even handcuffed me to the bed. I had to draw the line when he brought out sex toys and asked that we do BDSM.

Na when time reach for me to come back Abuja na hin Bambo start to dey act action film o. Bambo form fake phone call say dem talk say hin mama fall from staircase. Na hin the guy run leave me for hotel o. That was the last I saw of him o.

I called him to no avail.

After about two weeks, he called me to say that he was attacked by thieves on his way to see his mom in the hospital and they collected 4.2 million from him, his car, £500 and his phones.

For my mind ehn, I dey wonder why person wey no be politician go get mind carry 4.2 million Naira for booth without police escort in this age and time of mobile banking. In short, I knew he was lying but I didn’t want to challenge him outright.

“But don’t worry, you’ll get the money I promised you”.

Eh Gawd o! Bambo na liar. Only him one na lion. If there was to be an award ceremony for the grandmaster of liars, Bambo will take home all the awards. Chisos! Even Devil dey carry paper and biro dey jot for wia Bambo dey lie.

First, he told me he sent 210,000 to one Bro. Tunde who would credit my account. Yinmu sontin. He kept up with this Bro Tunde lie for over 3 weeks.

Later, he said his mother needed to undergo surgery. Then, he said his brother died. It was one week, one lie.

If only his family members knew the kind of ailments he used his mouth to proclaim into their lives, they would have disowned him by now.

In an attempt to cut down the extent of my loss, I told him to forget about the 150,000 he promised me and refund the 60,000 I spent on my flight. Afterall, Orisa bo le gbe mi, a sha mi bo ti ba mi.

For wia? Ati 60k o ati 150 o. I no see anyone till tomorrow. Na so so tori, until I tire for am.

********

“Eleyi gan-gan ni Yoruba ma n pe ni ti iya eyan ba wa ni Kano, bi o ti e lowo oko, a wa ya.” Wura said, clasping her hands to her chest in wonderment.

“Una don start with dis wuna ngbati ngbati again abi?” Jennifer asked.

“Wetin sef, na person say make you no understand Yoruba? Omo Yibo oshi” I replied.

“Ofe mmanu. Omo Yoruba jatijati”

“But wait o. So you get money to buy flight ticket go see man for Lagos, but you no get 20k to buy asoebi for my wedding abi? Na wetin good for you be dat”. Wura said.

“Bwa ha ha ha. Na bad investment nau. The geh bin wan go collect 150,000 for house rent ni.” I said, trying to stiffle my laughter.

“Ha ha ha! Abuja no reach you do the osho free wey hungry you, you gazz carry yourself waka go Lagos go do osho-free” Jennifer mocked.

“I no like am o. See as wuna dey mock my friend” I interjected.

“Eeya. I feel for you sha! You use your own money enter transport go meet guy hin con still fuck you left, right and center on top” Chilet said.

We all burst into long spells of laughter.

“Dis wan na correct Jibiti ara. Vijay 419,” I started. “I bin get one big sista for area dat year wey dey always talk I wanna, gonna. Na so she take dey mimick all dose ‘in the abroad’ guys wey dey come back Naija to come use phonetics finish gehs”.

“She always said, ‘Ma je ki won fi buredi Senegal ko e lo mi obe lo o. The only thing he wanna is your Vijay and the only place he gonna is your Vijay.”

“May they not lu wa ni jibiti Vijay lase edumare” I said, clapping my hands together in supplication.

“Amin o.  Eleyii to sele o de ni gberi mo o. May affliction not rise again” Wura replied, eyeing Lape mockingly.

“E reach to laff me. Me sef no say I fuck up” Lape said quietly. Turning to me, “Shey you’ll keep me anonymous when you post this on your blog abi?” She asked.

“I wasn’t actually planning to post this on my blog. I was just joking. But now that you mention it, I think I will” I replied.

“No wahala. Just don’t mention my name”.

 

 

Photo📷 culled from: Pininterest.

P.S. My sincere apologies to those who don’t understand Yoruba or Pidgin English. It just so happens, that most of my thought processes take place in either Pidgin or Yoruba. E ma binu. Besides, e get some kain gist ehn, wey no sweet for Queens English. Na only Pidgin fit do am. Oh no! There I go again doing exactly the same thing I’m apologizing for. Please, pardon me. Las las, I go dey alright.

Please remember to drop your comments. Y’all know I love to read from you.

 

Yours Truly,

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