Aswear, this my new neighbour doesn’t know that my middle name is Petty. Me that my hobby is revenge. If only he knew, he’d nor try that nonsense rough play he did with me last night.
Date: 09-05- in the year of our Lord 2018.
Location: My yard, somewhere in Kaddo, Abuja.
“Who’s ya daddy?” I heard a voice yell indistinctly, followed by a succession of loud bangs.
I jerked fully awake, leaping off the bed and diving underneath. Goosebumps were all over my body.
“Who’s ya daddy?” The voice barked again. Although, I couldn’t hear quite clearly. I swear, I thought I heard “choose your life”.
“Iskaba, Iskebe, Iskoloboto, yamaha suzuki yamaha…… Father please, forgive all my sins” I prayed fervently.
It occurred to me to look for my phone and remove the sim card. At least, even if they took my phone, I’d still have my contacts. So I crawled out from under my bed and fumbled in the dark for my phone.
“Who’s ya daddy?” the voice barked again. This time very loudly and clearly.
“Holy ghost fire!” I screamed, jerking up and hitting my head in the process. I was so scared I didn’t even know when I screamed.
“Who’s ya daddy?”
“Who’s ya daddy?”
Kpar! Kpar! Kpar!! Kpaar!!! Kpar!!!
It took a while for it to register.
“Who’s ya daddy?” the voice asked again.
And then came the response.
“You are(insert my neighbour’s name) Daaaaaaadddddeeeeeyyy! It’s you! Oh dadddddy! It’s you! Oh daddy, you’re killing me” pawed a feminine voice loudly.
It was then it dawned on me.
The loud terrifying noise that woke me was the sound track of my neighbour and his “girl” for the night during coitus.
It is enough that I have to cope with such sounds during hot weekend afternoons while taking a nap and late weekday evenings while trying to relax after a hard day’s hustle. I won’t even bother complaining about him and his friends congregating in front of my apartment as early as 6am every morning with their guitar and bawdry songs.
But to be woken up around 2:35am, scared out of my wits thinking that we were being attacked by thieves, just because you don’t have the decency and decorum to keep the sounds of your copulation as low as possible without disturbing the peace of the next person, knowing that you don’t live alone in the compound?
That shii is personal.
It is a clear declaration of war and petty is how we are gonna play it.
Just you wait and see.
I no follow enjoy the sex and orgasm o. Cum I no cum, yet the noise of your sound track is keeping me away from my beauty sleep.
Nothing mega, first to do no dey pain.
No be everything be lau lau. Sometimes, pettiness answereth all things. I will go and borrow Kcee’s external loud speakers later today.
I’ve been sleeping on and of all day because tonight, no sleep for the wicked. You see, the plans I have for him are of petty and not of good, to put the fear of Ykayy in him.
By the time I wake him up around 2:35am tomorrow with some correct loud “Fuji gyration” and “Afro juju”, everybody will warn themselves.
P.S Nobody shuu come and tell me not to be petty o. Petty lives here. If you are planning to tell me to ignore him and leave pettiness because “agba ni mo n da lo yii”, please just read and go. Don’t bother commenting.🙏🙏🙏But if you are proudly team petty and you have better suggestions on how I can effectively “pepper” my neighbour and put the fear of “Ykayy” in him, please drop your suggestions. Muah!