A couple of my colleleagues and I were mandated to attend a seminar at the Umaru Musa Yaradu’a centre, in Central Area, Abuja earlier today.

Unfortunately, our company secretary forgot to confirm our attendance and so there was no RSVP arrangement for us. Worse still, there was a mixup with the time, so we arrived at the event over 2 hours late.

Fortunately for us, the event organizers were more ‘African-time’ inclined, so even though we were two hours late, the main speaker was just starting his presentation.

The bad part was that the hall was already filled to its brim. After what seemed like ‘Ultimate search’, the ushers eventually found seats for us, but we were seperated.

I was sandwiched between two guys, and the difference between them was as clear as night and day. Let’s call Mr. Z and Mr.Y.

Mr. Y was just there, like bluehhhhh!!! Mr. Z on the other hand, was super duper cute. Bobo yii ma hans gan o! I swear, God took his time whilst creating him.  Looking perfectly groomed in a well cut native outfit like one of those Kimono Collections outfit that Leo of Bbnaija loves to wear, he looked quite delicious. With skin like dark creamy caramel or chocolate that you just feel like licking till every last drop of it is gone, slowly savouring its taste. Olorun da awon eyan sha!

Abeg, na who talk say “Man’s not hot”? Oya, come here and collect brain resetting slap. This Man is HOT!!!

Amo, kokoro kan wa to ba eyin aja je. This bros get one big comma. You see, the kind of odour wey dey ooze comot for Mr.Z bodi ehn, e fit to suffocate new born baby to death. Chai!

Have you ever mistakenly stored the water you used to wash raw fish for days? How it smell? Never experienced that?

It is very important to me that you get the right description of the kind of body odour Mr.Z has, so you’ll understand the gravity of  what I suffered. Afi bi igba ti won si suckerway ile igbe.

His body odour is not regular at all. It came through like Bangdadadang!!!🎤

I know we are not all perfect. We all have flaws. But fine ‘mon’ lai dis, body odour? Abi, Mr.Z dinnor have water to baff in his house ni? I know I recieved a message from the management of FCT water board, saying that the residents of Kubwa, Gwagwalada and some other areas will experience disruption of water supply between Thursday, August 2nd and Friday August 3rd due to some maintenance work. Could that be the reason? Maybe Mr.Z lives in those affected areas?

But even if there was no water to baff, what happened to applying roll on, body spray, body splash, perfume, anything. Abi, those days in Ajayi Crowther when there was scarcity of water we used to do rub and shine nau. Just dab on a bit of body spray,some roll on and voila! No offensive odours.

Even if you have an aversion to deodorants, atleast put camphour in your pocket. Don’t come and suffocate somebody’s child with your body odour, biko.

After what seemed like an eternity, I noticed that the seat on the other side of Mr.Y was vacant. Hallelujah someborri! I motioned at Mr.Y to let me pass so I could occupy the vacant seat, but he refused, saying I should go and turn. Knowing fully well that I couldn’t do that without attracting unneccessary attention to myself, I resigned to myself to fate.

When I was leaving the office earlier that morning, I thought I was going to attend a seminar on ‘effective social media marketing and networking’, I dinnor know it was my village people leading to the slaughter house, to go and die of suffocation.

Village=1000
Shurlar=0

A couple of minutes later, the speaker ended his presentation with a strong motivational message and we all cheered him wildly. Mr. Y looked at me and said “All these motivational speakers, yada yada yudu yudu …….. …..” 

Ah! This God I serve! Mr. Y that I pleaded with to let me pass so I could switch seats and save myself from being suffocated to death with body odour, and he refused me is now trying to initiate a conversation with me!! Me, that Petty is my middlename.

Ladies, Gentlemen and Bobrisky’s, I looked at Mr.Y, arched my eyebrows, smiled, so he would know I heard what he said, and then I pointedly looked away.

And then, I jammed my hands together and led the other attendees in another round of applause. Nonsense.

That was the highlight of my day o. Thank God it’s Friday! How the go dey go na?

Xoxo,